I’m a stay at home mum to our almost 12 month old daughter as my husband earns well and we can afford for me to be, and any job I could do in the area we live in wouldn’t even cover the childcare plus I always wanted to stay home and raise her myself. My husband deals with all of the paying of the bills/mortgage etc. but my daughter and I have no money, ever. I pay for everything for our daughter – including wash things, nappies, clothes, birthday/christmas presents out of the child benefit every child in the UK gets which is £75 per month or thereabouts. I have saved for months for her first birthday, he has not contributed a penny and we are having a party for her – which I’ve handmade decorations for, will make food for etc – none of which he has paid for, nor any of the presents yet I know when people come to the party they will all say how well he provides for us and how lucky i am to have him provide so I can stay home and it really annoys me. I’ve lost 28lbs since having our daughter yet am still having to wear the same clothes as he claims we can’t afford new ones, yet he buys himself designer suits/shoes for work, pays £100 per month for only his private health care, he goes to a private dentist whilst my daughter and I use the NHS and he goes for nights out but if I ask for any money towards something for our daughter he says we are broke. We were having problems a few months ago, and I used the Child Support Agency calculator to work out how much he would have to pay in maintenance and it was almost £70 per week based on his earnings, I am feeling now that he apologised and tried to make things right because he realises how much easier he has it (no money to pay us, doesn’t have to bother caring for daughter, he looks good to everyone) with us here than if we left. I’ve tried talking to him but he always insists we have no money but his statements clearly show we do – he takes my daughter and I to the cheapest supermarket and we have £20 per week for food yet he eats out with colleages when he’s working away. My daughter and I are living like paupers and it’s not fair, do you think he is just keeping us around as it’s easier? How good is your hubby about money? What should I do?
SAHM and hubby hoarding money?
16 Responses to SAHM and hubby hoarding money?
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Wow. My husband would never refuse me anything let alone our children. We don’t earn a lot of money at all but every single penny goes on the kids and whats left over goes on us and treats for the kids. Ask your self if you really want to be with this man. Do you love him? Does he make you happy? Does the way you live your life with him make you happy? If your answer to any of these questions is "no" then I think your should seriously consider leaving him. He is using you to live the life he is accustomed to. Please don’t let him do it any longer. You have to be strong and do the right thing for yourself and your daughter.
you tell him that he needs to give you money I would talk to attorney ths is not fair that he gets money and spends money on himself you are not being respected or loved he just is like being stingy and cheap my husband gives us whatever we want and can afford dont put up with this behavior get a lawyer divorce this cheap husband of yours and make him pay hes being a jerk go home to your family if you can I would
give him the boot, take him to court for half of everything then get child support from him. its his child and if he isn’t going to be helpful then ge can get fuc_ked. why would you wana have someone like that? and honestly, i think he’s having an affair. i don’t know him or anything, but seems like it. :[
No that is not fair, I am a stay at home mom also and the banking accounts are ours, it was a mutual decision for me to stay home therefore I do all the bills and the banking (sometimes I spend too much and the hubby gets mad which I understand) but he would never keep anything from me besides his overtime money and if he makes a bit extra in cash at work when they take back scrap that is HIS he did the extra work for it and more times then not he gives me some of it.. You need to talk to him and if he will not agree then I guess make a decision a marriage is equal no matter who makes the money..
He is abusive. The way he is treating you and your daughter is abuse. Get out and get help. In the US, there are shelters for women and children. You could go to one of these places if they are available in the UK, and get your life started back up from there. What about your mother? Is it possible to take your daughter and yourself to live with her? There are always options to getting out of a situation like this. Don’t stay with him any more he sounds like a pig.
I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I hope you figure something out.
If you need to talk feel free to e-mail me.
Um, I feel bad for you. I am a stay at home mom of 2 (and pregnant with my 3rd) nadmy husband works. He brings home the paychecks, I pay the bills, buy the groceries, etc. There isn’t one thing that I, my children, or he goes without. He doesn’t make tons of money that we just have all this extra, but if I want something, or the kids want something extra etc, we will sacrifice something else to get it. I can honestly say, I’ve never done without.
Suggest you contact a solicitor and clarify your rights if you were to separate. You don’t need to tell him you are going and you might find you are a little stronger and able to confront him.
What is happening now is mental abuse, next he will be telling you to stay away from family,friends etc, telling you you’re useless, fat, hopeless mother, anything to keep you under his thumb and everyone else thinking he’s wonderful.
I am a SAHM. Me and my husband have one bank account. Into this gets paid his wages and the child benefit.
Out of that account comes everything – mortgage, bills, things for my son, money if I want to buy everything. Neither of us make large purchases without talking about it first and we NEVER argue about money.
It absolutely amazes me how many married couples keep their money seperate. Does your husband not realise that if you were to divorce you would get OVER HALF of everything he owns! You are married and have a child but you don’t even know what his bank balance is – there is something seriously wrong there!
Everyone has different attitudes towards money. Some have lots but hate spending, others have no money but will buy whatever they can.
It sounds like your husband believes that he earns the money so it is up to him what he does with it. I am sad that he doesn’t provide more for you and the baby, especially the baby. Maybe he thinks that because you stay at home you do not need the extra money on top of child care.
He may be so wrapped up with his job that he just isn’t spending enough time with you and your daughter. Suggest to him that you would like to go out, just the two of you. Spend quality time together. Also try and go out more as a family.
That is very unfair, the money he earns should be the household money not ‘his’ money! Being as you are the one who is at home you would be the one seeing what needs to be bought etc and it makes more sense for you to have the most access to money. In our household I am at home, my fiance works, and he asks me before he spends money and I just buy whatever we need or want during the week. He needs to learn to share with you and realise that you are just as entitled to the money as he is
Honestly- that is horrendous. If that is really how he is treating you, you need to take your daugher, ang get the hell out of there.
He he really loved you, there is simply no way he would behave like that.
I am a SAHM mum also, My husband doesnt earn a huge amount, but wemake sacrifices to enable me to stay at home, Having said that, my husband would never ever deny myself or our daughter anything, and then go out splash out on himself. Never. We have shared accounts, and everything is upfront, equal and shared.
Your marriage is not equal, your husband sounds like a selfish pig, for want of a better term, and I think you would both be much better off without him.
your husband is a horrible man. A married couple should always ALWAYS be honest and open about their financial situations, and allow for both parties to have access to money that is needed.
I would leave him personally, but im not in that situation, so maybe its not as straight forward as that. He sounds like a real monster of a man.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. He sounds like a prick!! my husband is working and i’m at home but he doesn’t treat us like that at all. £75 is nothing!! that just covers everything she needs.
i would get out of that relationship if he isn’t willing to change because he’s selfish and not caring in any way. by the way you’ve written the question it sounds like he doesn’t care about neither of you. i’d move in with my mum or a friend and maybe that’s all he needs as a wake up call or maybe he just doesn’t deserve you guys.
best of luck!!
You need to ask what you are doing with this tight fisted selfish excuse for a man then either insist that he gives you money or get out of this relationship.
I gave up work after I had my second child 5 years ago (I earned more than my husband) and we have a joint bank account. I actually manage all the finances but that’s by the by.
In the ‘old days’ women were given ‘housekeeping’ by their husbands to pay for the day to day things. This is a bit of an antiquated idea but I think you need a modified version of it if your relationship is to survive.
Youn need money for you, money for your daughter and for him to buck up his ideas and realise what he is likely to lose.
Don’t be a doormat.
I don’t think it sounds as though you do badly. The child benefit is to be spent on the child so can’t see why that’s an issue. He pays all the bills, I assume he provides you with food etc. He needs good suits for work and it would be false economy to buy cheap ones when he wears them every day. Your daughter is 12 months old so she doesn’t actually need any money. A party for a baby does not need to cost much at all and neither does her present so no idea why you have had to save for months. I think your husband just doesn’t want you to waste money and i can see why. I don’t believe the private healthcare is just for him – but even if it is as the sole breadwinner he needs to get any illness dealt with asap and get back to work. You just don’t seem to be realistic abut money at all. Go ahead, leave him and see how you manage on the £70 per week – not well at all. You are able to stay at home and look after your child and I think you should be thankful for that opportunity – few women can do that these days. And if he eats out with colleagues when he is away then it is most likely on expenses. I think you want to treat your husband like some sort of wage slave who should just hand all the hard earned cash over to you to waste as you wish. You seem to be calling your husband a liar. You have never mentioned love.
im really sorry that your husband treats you like that,its guys like that who give us a bad name.in our house my money gets paid directly in to my wifes account,we pay our bills direct debit,and there are no secrets between us.we have 4 little ones,and they have everything they need ,when all shopping/bills/cloathing paid for each month,we use the remainder on what ever improvements to our house ect..
try to disscuss it with him again,you shouldnt have to live like that,or your daughter,if he wont listnen then give him an ultimatum.
my dad was a little like that when i was growing up,i think thats why i hate to see anyone treated in this way.
hope all works out for you and your little one.